What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 12:48
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
How do I get over a long-term relationship breakup?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I don,t even have a pension.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is how, and why children get BPD.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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She loved him until the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She wouldn,t have been !
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
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I have no regrets .
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
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I was 9 years of age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Sed quia omnis delectus ad aliquam.
I said to her
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Corrupti corporis sit reprehenderit facilis nam.
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was very sick at this time too.
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She married twice! .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I write beautiful poetry .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i lived it daily.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So whats the point in blame.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It was going to be , some day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I waited trembling.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im still living with it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My life is so biszare .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What did i know ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Would this be the day?
All the time i was locked up.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was in good health!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She found it foreign!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was seconnd youngest,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were not on the streets..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life